I don’t really know how to deal with infidelity.

If one really loves another, there is no room for infidelity. However, the other side of the coin is that if one really loves another, one must be able to forgive infidelity!

Sometimes just the thought that the person you love could be interested in some one else, evokes a pang in the heart. It is a preplexing feeling. The victim of another’s infidelity could be both murderous and suicidal. One would hope to elevate to a higher moral level and raise it above jealousy. Ofcourse, jealousy is the state of mind of the affected and infidelity is the act of an “affector”.

Whenever I think of infidelity, I connect it to Milan Kundera’s – The Unbearable Lightness of Being”. The protagonist simply couldn’t help being an infidel. His wife and partner died of it. Every day she woke with the nausea of knowing that her partner had been elsewhere. He could see her pain, he could see her nausea, her anguish, but was helpless against his senses.

It is something that evokes different reactions. Some react by throwing you out of their lives. Some would leave. Some would kill themselves and some would murder the aide.

Despite being in a monogamous relationship can one defend infidelity. Anyone who understands the absurdity that is of being infidel to the one you love, should be able to dismiss it and not think about it.

Ofcourse infidelity can be of varied natures and intensities. To one, it would have to mean ultimately sleeping with another. To another it could be simply thinking about it. Do we oscillate between one extreme and another? Of course we do.

The question is – at what point does the relationship snap? Like the woman in Milan Kundera’s novel, if you are unable to snap the relationship, you will snap yourself.

I cannot explain the why of infidelity but I surely can explain monogamy. Every truly monogamous relationship is based on a conscious rational choice. It is not that you cannot leave your partner, but it is that you choose not to.

Is there some one who can explain infidelity to me?

5 thoughts on “Infidelity”

  1. In my opinion, at least, infidelity is the manifestation of a partner’s desire for change–for something different. This desire, one would hope, would not exist in a voluntary monogamous relationship. If a partner commits adultery within a relationship it is an obvious signal that they do not value the relationship as binding (otherwise, why not end it?). In a relationship mutually recognized as unbreakable by both parties, either partner would be unable to participate in infidelity without acknowledging that their binding relationship was formally terminated.

    Hope that helps 🙂

  2. I wrote a short blog on infidelity… read it.. I hope you enjoy reading it, as much as I did writing it!


  3. Heh..I guess, as having watched the movie yesterday and read the book some year ago, i’ll try this..i see you have read The Ago of Reason too, its one of my fav books. See Mathiew there, he had his own notion of freedom, and the relationship(and understanding) that he was with his mistress allowed him to act according to it. Same was here for Thomas in kundera’s novel, only that his life took different turns, as he says,
    But how can I be sure about. If I had two lives, in one life I could invite her to stay at my place, and in the second life I could kick her out. Then I could compare and see which had been the best thing to do. But we only live once. Life’s so light. Like an outline we can’t ever fill in or correct… make any better. It’s frightening.
    With his idea of freedom and lightness, he took that decision of keeping her. Keeping her or throwing her meant the same to him, as one couldn’t be sure of either. Had he thrown he out, he would have lived a life like that of Sabina.
    I think Sabina was like Mathiew, and Thomas went a notch above them. He didn’t lie to Teresa, even told her his understanding of sex and love being discrete.
    Thomas wasn’t infidel, its the way he believed and saw things. Freedom ultimately is a great weight, and we humans are doomed to absurdity.
    about Why of infidelity, its a catch 22 situation, you loved someone and now you love someone else, since the one you loved earlier, you have spend time with so the bond is bit bigger, heavier, n strong to break and you don’t have the courage. Also its easy for you to move on since you found new love, but what about the other, no matter what, you still care about the other, so you try to buy time, hoping to be strong enough in some days to break free, but till that day you can help being infidel as you are in love.
    Now you could say its not love all the times. Yes its impulse many a times, but somewhere you love your old love that makes you stay and act infidel, else you would have broken away.
    Thinking here the movie The English patient comes to my mind. She loved her husband but found someone she loved even more.
    I don’t know if there can be ever be an objective answer to that, its all subjective or rather absurd.

  4. It’s not that simple. It never is. This is trying to put it in a box and you can’t. Love can’t be explained. Love a child, a pet a job, a lover a husband….

    You have a child … you love that child.
    You have another child …. you that that child … do you love the first child less?
    Not the same bank account!
    Why do we assume and reduce human’s to pathetic creatures only capable of loving one person and no more?

    The issue I have here is that monogamy is not natural it’s fabricated for centuries for financial and religious reasons. Not human reasons.

    I am not advocating cheating. All I am saying is …. Not that simple.

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