What do I do with time?
07 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Life, Thoughts Tags: Life, pregnancy, time
There was a time when I did not have time and every activity (non-work related) required to be managed. I have been at home for a week now. I quit my job starting February 1. I suddenly have been given the gift of infinite time.
However, this time doesn’t feel like my own. It feels like there are a lot of things that have a claim on it. For starters, I spend most of my day eating! This is so that I can provide sufficient nutrition to the little person growing inside of me. Plus there is the whole list of things I must do since now I have the time, like set right the finances (in that there is none to begin with). We are also planning to shift homes. So all of this take up most of my time. I realized now why cooking and eating form a central part of most Indian households.
Its because if you are at home, you have to eat. And because you are at home you tend to think about what to eat when etc. This is new to me. I never really cared about this and don’t think I ever will. May be this is a training ground for me to face the challenges of being a mom.
There is so much I want to read but somehow I don’t end up picking any books other than baby care or pregnancy related books. Its quite sad really. I never thought that I would need motivation to read. However, I have always adapted quickly and will adapt to this as well. The silver lining is that I can sleep when I want to, eat when I want to and chill. Its been a while in life since I have done that.
This requirement for a sense of structure – is that also a disease? Why can I not accept a day that is my own, which I can mould to take on any shape that I choose? Have I become a corporate stooge who has lost the ability to plan my day, to live my life? Do I need deadlines set for me, to feel satisfied about my days?
Naah. I don’t give up easy. I won’t. I start now, with this blog. I will update people with what I am up to, what is the new thing I have learnt or done. How I spent my days of unemployment …
I am going to start with the easiest thing – watching a movie. It has already brought a smile to my face. Will catch up soon.
The Way We Read
12 Mar 2011 3 Comments
in Books, Reading, Thoughts Tags: Kindle, Reading
I went to a wayward bookstore today. It felt really good, just seeing the books stacked up. I stopped buying books for a long time now. There are big piles of unread books, which I want to read at home.
It occurred to me that the reason I don’t go to bookstores anymore is because I just order whatever I need online. The books do take their own time coming, but I am not in a hurry. This way I also save money from buying everything that I don’t read.
I have been thinking for sometime now that reading as a habit is going to change. The kindle will change it sooner or later. The kindle is not just easy on the eyes to read but the lightest manner possible of carrying over a hundred books and periodicals. You can virtually carry your entire library with you.
I first read about the Kindle being launched with an India compatible version sometime in October 2009. I was so thrilled. I had no idea what e-ink technology was but I just knew it would better than reading on the computer. Everything about the Kindle was fascinating. The fact that – as you read you could get word meanings; you could highlight important passages and also make notes. The biggest disadvantage with the Kindle was that you need external light to read it. But, the silver lining is that when the external light is not available the book can be read to you.
Clearly the kindle is a more eco-friendly way of reading books. But it would take a huge paradigm shift to move entirely to the kindle. As human beings, we find it difficult to break away from the way of life we are used, to break away from tradition. I wouldn’t say the Kindle today can entirely replace books. Definitely as gadgets go, it is just one gadget and therefore cannot be shared or preserved the way we can regular books. But the time has come to go paperless. The time has come to save the trees.
Are we willing to make this small investment? Are we willing to move away from a tradition and take to this new form of reading? As a person who loves the feel of new books, old books, the feel of paper whether original or pirated, I am willing to change – though just not as yet.
VOLUNTARY DEATH – IS DEATH AN OPTION
04 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Absurdity, Death, India, legal issues, Life, philosophy, Thoughts Tags: choice, pro-life, Samadhi, Suicide, Voluntary death, war
The first argument I ever had with this person who went on to be my best friend and now my husband is – whether suicide is okay.
He argued for the right to kill oneself as being a part of, a sort of sub-sect of the right to live. I was 18 then. I couldn’t grasp what possibly life could become, how intolerable it could be for some people and how some people just live life because its there.
Animals have self-preservation in their instinct. But humans, we are capable of a rational choice. This is not a justification for every child who fails an exam and hangs from the fan. But I am speaking of a calculated choice.
What if something happens in your life, which makes living or continuing to live, meaningless? I know of one such thing in my life. I would not want to live if the thing I dread the most happens as it would have belied everything I stood for and everything my husband stands for and what we i.e. me and him represent.
It would not be out of failure or dejection or depression, so much as it would be out of not wanting to live beyond.
I am not advocating suicide or escape from life. My proposition is simple. I should be able to take a cold, rational choice to end my life. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami keeps coming back to me. Now that I think of it, the female protagonist in the novel, tries hard to live, to justify her living and her life. But she is unable to sustain it. After her boyfriend killed himself, she tries to live life, but cannot. So at some point she ends it.
I, as a living being, breathe. I, unfortunately cannot stop breathing when I feel like and therefore, if I wish to stop living a gruesome intervention is required. Is this the reason people abhor suicide – because it is an external intervention. Is it only the goriness of it all? The means of death are not natural and trouble the minds of those left behind, is that why suicide is shunned? Can the means of doing something justify the desirability or the undesirability of an end?
What if I were to go into a forest and end my life there? (I am vegetarian. So in all probability I would starve to death.) What if my body became one with the earth, then would I be hailed as a saint?
What about soldiers? Don’t they choose to end their lives when they go into a war? Is that not a rational choice? I can fully imagine what the consequence of allowing people legally to end their lives would be in the world today – total anarchy. But it still does not make it an illegitimate demand.
Suppose I am 65 and find out that I have cancer. Well, I am not going into the euthanasia debate. So, if at 65 I find out I have cancer, and I am a doctor lets say. I know death for me is going to be a long painful affair. I am happy with my life and choose it be a peak of my life. I die.
In India, the saints and yogis and all the great spiritual masters have attained high stages of meditation. The ultimate stage is the Samadhi, where the saint or yogi, chooses the time and place of death (in common man terms). They go into a deep trance from which they never come back. Is that suicide? No.
So why, if I should choose to end my life, I shouldn’t be allowed to. The state like in the case of most other subjects has no answer to this. I would probably be shot for asking. That should serve my purpose, but that is not how I would want to go.
As the Earth Turns Silver – Alison Wong
11 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Book Review, Books, Fiction, Life, philosophy, Reading, Thoughts Tags: Alison, Alison Wong, As the Earth Turns Silver, Contemporary Fiction, India, New Zealand, Winner of 2009
I love receiving books by mail. As I came home one day, with a copy of the Asia Literary Review (which I didn’t know my husband had subscribed to), I received this book! I was filled with a somewhat childish exuberance.
I began to read not knowing what its about. (I am one of those people who like to read the end after reading less than 20 pages of the book.) But somehow, it didn’t greatly appeal to me. I thought it will be one of those books which I pick and don’t finish (which off late have been quite a few).
The books smoothly takes you into the setting. It is a very unique setting. Pre-world war I – New Zealand. Being part of the commonwealth nations that were at one time ruled by the Great Britain, its easy to ignore the far east and far far south east while thinking of World War I.
Amidst the changes that world was going through in the first two decades of the new century, there was a love story brewing somewhere. The story of two people who find themselves alone. Two people who are capable of civility and humanity and who are drawn to each other despite the differences in their physical appearance, colour of the skin and greatest of all – language.
Yung till his end aspires to speak English. Did I say till his end? Yes. The story unfortunately does not end happily. Alison Wong, the author, does provide perspectives. The most frightening being that of Katherine’s son, Robbie. He is the sum of all brain washing that society can do to a child to make it believe in caste and difference in the class of two human beings. Being from India, casteism is something I have seen and grown up with. But somehow, never been able to accept it. I was shocked at the age of 10 when my father told me that untouchability in India was an offence under a special legislation for that purpose. Why should there be any untouchability? Who declared us high and mighty? But my dad just shrugged and said, that is how things were in India.
For a long time I believed that the reason India was not progressing at a pace the western world or its contemporaries have progressed, is because of this blind belief in age old systems. However, at the time no one told me that this is not something that is true of India but is true of every place in the world.
Reading this book has only affirmed that thought process of mine. The holocaust gives me shivers everytime I think of it. In some form or the other people have found excuses to kill each other. I am not advocating that China is not trying to be a super power or that I am not scared of Chinese infiltration into India through the commercial world. But Yung is not China. Yung was not the reason that money was being “squandered” to China from New Zealand. The 5 pounds that Yung sent his sick wife and son he never saw cannot topple the economy.
The anger of people is so misplaced. To systemically teach children to hate on the ground that someone is a lower form of a human being! That’s not an education! Even the one moderniste, feministe, character in the book admonishes Katherine for thinking that a Chinese man was capable of being loved.
It is an extremely well written book. Although I wonder if it only portrays a lop sided picture. I cannot be sure.
On Marriage
08 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Thoughts Tags: Kahlil Gibran, Marriage, Richard Gere, Shall we Dance, Susan Sarandon
I heard something very nice on marriage which Susan Sarandon says (I think its’ in the movie – Shall we dance with Richard Gere). She says that people get married not out of love or passion because they want a witness to their lives. In a universe with one billion people and numerous other species, of what relevance is one life? In a marriage, partners take vows to witness the other’s life and make it count. I will witness every little thing about you – your joys, your happiness, your sorrows, your tears, your beliefs, your faith and your fears and make them seem real to you. I thought about it and believe there is some truth to this.
Recently, while I was attending a very dear cousin’s wedding which had an attendance of over 1000 people, we wondered why there were so many people invited to the wedding. I also thought about a simple wedding at a temple with very close family and friends, wouldn’t that be better. Can the money not be put to better use? Then we got into this discussion on how in every culture a lot of money is spent on weddings. Now that I think of it, weddings are about people witnessing the joy of two individuals and two families. I am sure the feeling of love or togetherness of the couple is a private emotion. But the larger the weddings and more the people attending it, the more it feels like the universe is witness to it and has blessed it.
I guess it is the same with marriage. Kahlil Gibran has said a lot about marriage, but he has also said that children are ‘life’s longing for itself’. It’s true. Marriage is life’s longing for acknowledgement and children are life’s longing for itself. They carry the imprints of their parents and pass it on to the next generation.
I guess marriage is the answer to the question on whether if a tree falls in a jungle where there is no one present – it can be said to make a sound? I guess, the fact that I have lived my life and each day as it unfolded is witnessed by my partner and the same for him.
Right now, my husband is away studying. Everything in life feels unreal. The house feels empty even though I am in it and there is so much stuff in it. Eating feels like a chore something I do mechanically. Life itself feels like it’s on pause. But life goes on as usual. I wake up and go to work. I work (and sometimes blog when I am too bored). I meet people and friends. But something is missing. Something definitely is missing.
Infidelity
30 Jan 2009 5 Comments
in Absurdity, Life, philosophy, Reading, Thoughts Tags: Life, Milan Kundera, philosophy, Reading
I don’t really know how to deal with infidelity.
If one really loves another, there is no room for infidelity. However, the other side of the coin is that if one really loves another, one must be able to forgive infidelity!
Sometimes just the thought that the person you love could be interested in some one else, evokes a pang in the heart. It is a preplexing feeling. The victim of another’s infidelity could be both murderous and suicidal. One would hope to elevate to a higher moral level and raise it above jealousy. Ofcourse, jealousy is the state of mind of the affected and infidelity is the act of an “affector”.
Whenever I think of infidelity, I connect it to Milan Kundera’s – The Unbearable Lightness of Being”. The protagonist simply couldn’t help being an infidel. His wife and partner died of it. Every day she woke with the nausea of knowing that her partner had been elsewhere. He could see her pain, he could see her nausea, her anguish, but was helpless against his senses.
It is something that evokes different reactions. Some react by throwing you out of their lives. Some would leave. Some would kill themselves and some would murder the aide.
Despite being in a monogamous relationship can one defend infidelity. Anyone who understands the absurdity that is of being infidel to the one you love, should be able to dismiss it and not think about it.
Ofcourse infidelity can be of varied natures and intensities. To one, it would have to mean ultimately sleeping with another. To another it could be simply thinking about it. Do we oscillate between one extreme and another? Of course we do.
The question is – at what point does the relationship snap? Like the woman in Milan Kundera’s novel, if you are unable to snap the relationship, you will snap yourself.
I cannot explain the why of infidelity but I surely can explain monogamy. Every truly monogamous relationship is based on a conscious rational choice. It is not that you cannot leave your partner, but it is that you choose not to.
Is there some one who can explain infidelity to me?
The Art of Relaxation
02 Jan 2009 Leave a Comment
in Faith, Life, philosophy, Spirituality, Thoughts Tags: Life, philosophy, Relaxation, Spirituality
It is true that Experience is the greatest teacher of all. (Apologies for the cliche, but its true). Having experienced the state of restlessness, frenzy and an unsettled mind, relaxation comes as a wave of relief. It is like walking through a fresh garden of lovely orchids in the morning dew and watching the sun rise.
However, in order to relax one needs to be in harmony with oneself. Happiness, contentment and satisfaction are also essential elements. When you hear all this talk about calming the mind, the Swamiji’s coming out to be help your mind relax, one wonders – Why does a human being need help to relax, to be at ease with himself?
It is only when one is at absolute ease, that the other frame of mind – the frenzied mind comes to light. One can only understand the difference in contrast. We humans are like the ostriches. We like to believe nothing is wrong with us. May be that is why, one never realizes that the mind is actually troubled. When one is relaxed and feels this rush of calm for the first time, it is not difficult to notice that the past was not even close.
Now, when I say – “Please relax!” to someone, I can truly understand what it means.
This is also linked in a way to loneliness. When one us unable to be truly alone and feels lonely, a restlessness creeps in along with boredom. When one is truly relaxed, you will find that there is no trace of boredom, nor is there loneliness.
Beauty and Art
28 Dec 2008 1 Comment
in Art, Life, Movies, philosophy, Thoughts Tags: AnourAnon - Bengali Movie, Art, Life, Movies, philosophy
I have realised today that art is an expression in the pursuit of beauty. What a common man can experience but cannot describe is expressed by the artist through his art form.
During my very recent trip to Rome, Florence and Venice, I for the first time time was engulfed by beauty and it had a physical force for me. I was hijacked and enthralled. You can say the beauty of the Sistine Chapel nearly encased me. I was immobilised.
I realised also that beauty can be of varied forms. I have experienced an unique feeling – the beauty of a child. In Italy I experienced the beauty of art. The expression itself being beautiful and when one dwells upon the content or context one can experience a different kind of beauty.
It was perfect timing that I watched a Bengali film called – AnourAnon (“harmony” – I was told). The beauty of the relationship of the protagonist and his wife enthralls you as much as the beautiful weave of the storyline. I was choked in the end. The feeling is not of sadness or anguish but of understanding. My trip to Italy has become a lovelier memory and life just seems perfect.
I guess there is a harmony now, in life with my partner and within me. The harmony is beautiful and I think this is the true pursuit of the artist. I am on the other side of the fence. Not an artist but a lover of beauty. It is as satisfying.
THE AGE OF REASON
23 Oct 2008 Leave a Comment
in Books, Life, philosophy, Reading, Thoughts Tags: Age of Reason, Freedom, Individualism, Sartre
Mathieu was truly condemned to be free. Freedom does not mean freedom from one government or another. Mathieu was living in an ultra-communist society. However, that did not change the nature of his freedom.
Mathieu is an example of why ‘freedom’ is not really sacrosanct as some make it out to be. Why some? Most make it out to be sacrosanct. It is the ultimate gift! It is worth dying for! Really? Think again. Sartre was most misunderstood as was his phrase – Man is condemned to be free. I imagine him saying it with a smirk, a chuckle and a cigarette dangling from his lips standing in a crowded subway, the crowd oblivious to his presence – he is thinking in his head and shakes his head and laughs – Man is condemned to be free.
While I was reading the book, I wondered why I was reading it. I heard something about a stream of consciousness and how that was Sartre’s style. I couldn’t buy it. I knew there was something treasured, like a pearl from the ocean, something tiny that would come out of the whole exercise of reading about one man’s futility. And then there it was, that sentence, that said it all. If Sartre were alive, I would go up to him and say, ye I get ya! And I am sure we would burst out laughing.
I laugh because there are very few people who can handle the weight of freedom. Very few who know what they really want. I realised this is the success formula for marriage I have been looking for. Being from India, I have seen loads of arranged marriages, and they all lack just one thing. Being together because the couple wants to, not just because they have to or because daddy said so and he/she never said no, because they had to. A couple mus want to be together and every moment spent together should be a conscious choice of wanting to be together.
The WEIGHT that freedom is. It weighs upon your shoulder, waiting for you to command, to say action, to give direction. Most people use their freedom to do what they feel like, at an impulse, but the real freedom is the making the difficult choice. Job, marriage, kids, career, hobby, wife, chilling, travelling. The list is endless, the choices limitless and man is in fact CONDEMNED to be free.
I have often wondered, why I who so violently protects my freedom is giving it away today. Is it for love? Is it for happiness? No, its because I want to and I know now that no other reason can come close.
I think its the same of people who are passionate about their jobs. Some say its just a job and others go all the way. Going all the way is the choice you make. You are free to go in at 9 and leave at 5, but what you make of it is your freedom. Do I work because my boss expects me to or do I work because I want to? Most times its the latter, sometimes its the former.
I know most people would tell me this is a warped connection. But I can see how Ayn Rand defined her characters. Her strongest characters were people who made conscious choices, exercised their freedom and lived by it. She distinguished her weaker characters as those who acted for no reason at all and she lets you choose. You become a powerful reader with Rand. You get the freedom to choose.
